What would happen if you let the pause be uncomfortable? Let your child be who they are? Let the sickness run its course? Let your advice go untaken? Let your parents be disappointed in your decision? Let yourself compare unfavorably? Let the person in the checkout line be annoying? Let the public think your outfit/idea/ post/story/comment/presentation/weekly column is dumb?

Can you imagine letting any of those unwanted scenarios just go ahead and happen without attempting to intervene or object if only in your mind? It’s really quite unthinkable to stand by while the unacceptable plays out. It doesn’t matter that all of those situations are outside our range of control and ability to reverse. We’ll still try anyway because our intervention — micromanagement, anger, worry, aggression/passive aggression, objection, whatever form of reaction we specialize in — provides the illusion of control, which makes us feel safer and more comfortable. Even though fighting reality has a negative impact on us emotionally and physically, it doesn’t seem to matter. It’s just so very hard not to be in control of anything that affects us or reflects on us.

For example, say you’re flying across the country on vacation. A guy in the seat behind you is coughing his head off. Every few minutes he spews out more viral particles with his long, rattling hacks. When you peek furiously through the crack in the seats you see he’s not even covering his cough! You’re going to get sick and he’s going to ruin your vacation. You are outraged.

This did happen to Mel Robbins, bestselling author, life improvement expert and award-winning podcaster, on her way to a conference where she was the keynote speaker. When it became clear the unchecked hacking and germ spewing was not going to stop, she was seething mad. Obviously, he was going to infect her and mess everything up. Mel stood up and asked the man to please cover his mouth. He nodded but then, to her disbelief, he kept right on coughing into the open-air!

In years past, this would have gotten under her skin and spread like a malignancy. For days she would nurture the outrage, telling everyone she encountered about this unbelievable person. She would live it over and over again, triggering an extreme stress response in her body each time she brought it back around. That was before she’d made the discovery of a simple technique that cuts through all the noise. The technique is so obvious it barely seems like something anyone could lay a claim on, but that’s Robbins’ specialty: taking a complex problem and providing a solution in a tight, memorable package. Here it is:

“Let them.”

Let them hold you up in traffic. Let yourself be left out. Let the person be snippy. Let your plane be delayed. Let the weather dash your plans. Let your family members disagree. Let the timing be off. Let the childhood be what it was. Let the news be bad. Let it not be about you.

“Let them” is Step 1. It recognizes what we can’t change and doesn’t waste time and vital, emotional resources banging our head against the wall.

Which brings us to Step 2:

“Let us.”

Let us do something useful. Let us hear out their idea. Let us sit with our grief or discomfort or disappointment. Let us make new plans. Let us take a back seat. Let us make room for change. Let us value them for who they are. Let us buy the bagels instead of the brioche. Let us get better at making connections. Let us take the next step.

Step 2 is the source of our true power and control. It’s the effective outlet for the energy generated by the grievances that rankle us through the day. It’s a bit like jujitsu, stepping to the side of the brute force and defusing the energy with skillful technique.

Back on the airplane, Mel Robbins’ Step 2 was putting her ear buds in and turning up the volume so she wouldn’t hear the coughing and nestling her mouth and nose down into her scarf, doing what she could to protect herself. She would have preferred this not to be the situation, but she was no longer owned by it.

If you were to read a book in 2025 aimed at improving your experience of life, I’d wholeheartedly recommend Mel Robbins’ new book The Let Them Theory. She lays out how “Let them and Let us” works in relationships with friends, life partners, co-workers, family members, and oneself and how to use the technique to protect against comparison and envy, be happier, lighter and more successful in your pursuits, and to free up your energy and free up yourself. For myself, since I have spent so much energy over the course of my life attempting to force the world to be what I need it and want it to be (entirely ineffectually, of course) — as if I thought it was my job to force the river back upstream — this book relieves me of that duty while pointing to my actual power. It’s not easy but it is liberating when I’ve been able to do it.

As Marie Antoinette famously never said, “Let them eat cake!” Let us all eat cake!

E